Hate

I loathe the word hate.  I loathe anyone who uses it and I forbid it out of my children's mouth.  I always tell them life is what you make it - of course in kid terms.  You can choose to remember the kid at the park that threw sand in your hair or you can choose to remember the kid who you played on the slide with for 40 minutes and you can't stop talking about.  It is their choice.  It is all about choices and what you want to remember and focus on.

I hate my situation.  I really hate this.  It has been a little over six weeks since I haven't hated my situation.  I feel frustrated and traumatized.  On Tuesday I took Emily to her class at the library.  She had to use the potty.  Water had been spilled on the ground just inside the door and I nearly slipped.  I pulled my interior leg muscles which is resulting in a minor set back but my brace protected my knee and prevented my leg from using muscles which could have easily torn apart my newly mended knee cap.  I wanted to find an employee to report the water because my soul would ache to know that anyone goes through this because of water on a floor I didnt report.  But the near fall hurt me and I couldn't muster the strength to find an employee.

One of our favorite people who worked at the place I was injured at hasn't been seen since then - and this is a person we saw weekly before.  I hate to think that something may have happened to him because of me.  I feel hate that he potentially was affected. 

I hate that rather than doing exercises at home I am so exhausted at the start and end of each day that instead I lay in bed and feel pity.

I hate that my sweet and extremely sensitive child is realizing that I won't be going as a volunteer on her first field trip to the pumpkin patch and that I can't bring myself to even admit it to myself.

I hate therapy because I lay there and have positive conversations when in reality I know I will feel like puking 2 hours later.

Mostly though I hate that I can not just stop all this drama and accept what is happening and accept that I need to reconsider my outlook.  I need to focus on the positive.  I need to focus on the amazing breakfast that I had with a friend.  I need to focus on the really cool guy who told me about his sister who had knee replacements.  I need to focus on my husband who is eager to do what needs to be done.  On our family who has kindheartedly not just lined up behind us but is standing at our side. 

I broke my knee and the next year is going to suck.  It will suck horribly bad.  Dear soul, suck it up.  Tonight I will push my will to kick hate to the curb.  I may fail, but damn I will try.