"If you fall down and break your leg don't come running to me!"

One month ago today I went with my husband and our two daughters to grab lunch.  My husband didn't want to go but I pushed him.  It would be fun to get out with just our girls since our son was in school all day.  The memories, the smells and the events are still burning in my memory.  After ordering we sat down at a table I am sure we have sat at many times before.  Sydney spilled her drink under the table we sat out and I groaned in frustration.  But, I got up and walked over and re-filled her drink and went over for a new straw and that is when I slipped and fell.  There was nothing grand about it.  I wasn't up a ladder.  I wasn't on my cell phone.  I wasn't distracted. I am certain that it took less than two seconds from the time I realized I was falling until I was on the floor but I remember praying in my mind and feeling dread and naturally embarrassment.  And then, I landed. 

I remember the face of the little boy sitting at the table closest to me.  He was eating a hotdog with his mom (or maybe grandma - some maternal figure).  I remember a man walking by with a cart full or water and toilet paper on his way for lunch I am sure.  I feel like I remember so much for such a short moment, blip even, of time.  And then I looked down and saw my knee.  I knew immediately that my life was shattered - figuratively and literally.  A lady screamed our Lords name as she looked at me.  I screamed - or maybe yelled for Justin to please come over multiple times and when he did I told him to call 911.  I covered myself with my dress because that boy was eating just right there.  The lady continued to scream the Lords name in prayer followed by calmer moments.

Justin called 911 as I instructed but had no clue what I had hid under my dress.  He said he thought there was a slip and fall and requested an ambulance.  I told him that it was bad, really bad and lifted my dress.  Emily ran over.  I never cried.  I asked the lady who was repeating Lord to please take my girls back to the table and when Emily was back over the table Justin rejoined them.

My lower leg was parallel to my upper leg.  I have since learned that the patella (knee cap) is connected to muscle.  If the bone breaks, the muscle jolts the bones attached to it into new positions.  I had a visible sunken hole in my knee.

Next I will describe to you what happens when the human body lacks oxygen.  I was essentially having  a panic attack.  No tears, but I was breathing quick, shallow and my fingers began to seize up.  I couldn't control my fingers.  They bent up into a witch like shape and were essentially frozen.  Enter distinct memory number three.  A nurse.  She knelt near me.  Urged me to take deep breaths and explained I was going to pass out.  She told me how strong I was and how any other person would be sobbing and screaming.  I told her I couldn't be upset because my girls were there and that boy was still sitting there with his mom.  I shifted my focus to his mom - please take him to another table.  She didn't look at me but she did point to something over in the other direction diverting his attention.  The nurse told me my girls were great and they were excited to see the fire trucks.  I knew she was lying but I didn't let myself even consider that it was a lie.

Finally the fire department arrived, followed by the paramedics and they finally moved that boy and his mom away.  Justin took the girls to the car and I let go.  My blood pressure was very low, my memory starts getting fuzzy.  I told them how painful it was but they told me I wasn't stable enough to give pain medication.  They gave me oxygen, fluids through IV and eventually morphine.  Next they had to get me onto a gurney.  I was in a sitting position, my leg literally snapped in half.  They would not even consider moving my leg so two got behind me, three in front of me and they lifted me up and onto the gurney, wheeled me to the ambulance and finally, I cried.

The gravity of this was immediately obvious to me.  I know nothing about broken legs or knees but I knew I had one or the other.  I knew I wouldn't be walking  out of that hospital in a few hours.  I knew for a fact I wouldn't be walking period for a long time.

The lady in the ambulance had a dog.  A pit-lab mix.  She took out her cell phone and showed me pictures of her baby.  The dog was beautiful.  She was just over a year old.  I wish I remembered her name.

It has been thirty days and I can recall so many details that occurred during a traumatic time.  I can small the food.  That boy, the pit-lab mix.  The man with the water and toilet paper.

I have nightmares about falling.  Slipping.  I dream about walking.  And my typical optimistic outlook is fractured by many thoughts of doubts.  I feel gratitude and blessings only to have those thoughts retreat minutes later to depression and fear and anger. 

So I will re-purpose this blog for my ultimate challenge.  Restoring what I am afraid I have lost - my positive outlook.