Phase Two

My knee cap is this solid mass of tightness.  Youth may say "that shit's tight" but until you have touched my newly designed knee cap you do not know what tight is.  My tight knee cap should be bending at about 120 degrees.  I am barely at maybe 50 degrees- on a good day.  Tomorrow I see my orthopedic surgeon.  He is going to rip into me.

I have thought out in my head justification for why I am not nearly where he (the surgeon) wants me to be.  Some of those justifications include: I am paying you so aren't you happy I need more appointments?  Or I got the bladder infection from hell and nearly died! or my favorite It really hurts!  And of all the excused sadly the last is the truth.  It hurts like hell.  Phase two of my therapy is very physical.  It involves a therapist holding my knee and pressing it into a bending position until I scream Fuck loud enough.  Yes, I say Fuck.  I say it a lot while at therapy.  I am sorry for that truth.

My muscle have been extremely tight which is likely due to swelling and traumatic bending of my knee.  I would like to believe there is something wrong.  Yes I just said that.  I have not had much failure in my life and I feel like I am failing at my therapy.   Failing to heal in the goal time I set for myself.  If I am failing it has to be a blame on something other then me.  But for the first time since this all happened I am not disappointed or depressed.  It is just another hurdle, another jump.  I will make it.  Not as timely as I wanted but I am not perfect.  That has never been more OK with me.  I am human, damaged and mending.

The kids ask often how many more weeks until we do what we used to do.  My friends ask the same.  Sadly we are not talking weeks.  I am two months and a few days into a 6 month minimum but most likely closer to 8 months or 12 months process.  I can not lie to them.  I tell them honestly that a few weeks from now they will not see much change.  And for the first time I am ok with that honesty as well.

Since my bladder infection I am finally tolerating all foods and drinking more than water and herbal tea.  It took a while to not need Zofran.  

Originally I had a goal of taking the kids Trick Or Treating.  That probably will not happen.  That does not mean I will not enjoy it.  It for sure does not mean my children will not enjoy it!  I probably will not be driving by November 1st.  That is OK too.  As claustrophobic as immobility can make you it becomes tolerable.  I will most likely do all my Christmas shopping online.  At this time last year I was done shopping.  That is ok as well.  All good things in time.

As for tomorrow, I will wake up and put on my shorts - one leg at a time.  Brace up into my 4.8 lb leg brace.  I will ride to Pomona and walk into my surgeons office with my head held high.  I will expect failure but I will appreciate my progress.  Anything on top of that will be cake in a very positive way.  I will come home with Justin and Emily.  Pick up Sydney from school.  We will try to make a trip to the pumpkin patch as a family after we pick up Luke.  We will eat dinner.  Life will go on.  Our family will survive and dare I say thrive.  And as we fall asleep I will dream about Friday and repeating it all over again - with no expectations, only dreams of success.